Waxing Gibbous Moon
by RentBoheme
Summary: When Bella Swan's boyfriend Edward Cullen leaves her, she, tries to find him. She gets on a plane to Bermuda, and gets stranded on an island. Will Edward come save her, or is he out of her life... forever? Takes place after Twilight, in place of New Moon.
1. Mr Snuffles

Chapter 1: Mr. Snuffles

Bella Swan wasn't like any ordinary teenager in Forks, Washington. For one, she was absolutely hideous. Acne covered her face. She had large, squirrel-like buckteeth. And one of her eyes was hidden behind a tinted monocle (you know, to keep out the sun). Everyone at school--all of whom looked oh-so ordinary--hit on her out of pity. She had been modest before she moved to Washington, but her self-esteem soon became bloated.

Oh, and she had a vampire for a boyfriend--Edward Cullen. No biggie. Her life revolved around him, like Pluto around the Sun. He was, in her words, "devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful." This was, of course, because he wasn't human. Yet she knew that looks weren't everything, and--if it was possible--he was more beautiful on the inside than the outside.

Meanwhile, Edward was only with her out of pity--he would never hit on someone like _that_.

Right now, Bella was walking down the street with Edward to the Cullen mansion. He told her to wear a blanket over her head so that "no one could see her beauty" besides him; however, he really just wanted to hide her ugliness.

Though when Edward turned away, Bella took the sheet off her head to get some fresh air. There was a light breeze, and it blew tendrils of her hair around her face--they tickled her a bit, and she broke out in laughter. Edward turned around.

"WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT OFF YOUR HEAD?" he screamed. "PEOPLE MIGHT STEAL YOU, JOHANNA!"

"Ummm...my name's Bella."

"Oh, Bella--that's what I meant..." He paused. "Just...put that back over your head."

She obliged, because she loved him like...there's no way to describe her deep and profound love.

"Awww, Eddie," she said, her voice muffled by the sheet. "Can we _pleeeeaasssee_ have intercourse?"

"What? I can't hear you. You're under a blanket."

"Can I take it off?"

"NO!"

The two lovebirds approached the Cullen dwelling. He led her into the house, reluctantly. His "sister" Alice had set up a birthday party for Bella--for some reason, she liked the merely human girl; Alice's vision saw that they would be best buddies. Seeing the future was Alice's talent. Her boyfriend Jasper was an empath; Rosalie was beautiful (as a human, she had been a slut--and as a vampire, she even did it with Edward once, but it's okay, she was drunk); Emmett was strong. Edward could read minds--except Bella's (her mind was empty). There were other vampires, but they were too boring and unmemorable to list.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" the pixie-like Alice squealed.

"Oh, it's my birthday?" Bella said, looking at the '80s decorations around the house. All the vampires there, except Edward, were wearing afro wigs. A disco ball hung in the middle of the room where there usually was a chandelier.

"Yes, Bella, it is."

"Oh...how old am I?" Bella responded, a confused look across her face.

"Bella, you're eighteen today. Have you been taking your medication?"

"Oh...the white pills?"

"Yes, Bella."

"Ummm...no, I haven't," she said. "Pass me an afro--even though I hate birthdays."

You see, Bella hated birthdays because for every day she aged, Edward stayed the same. He was perpetually seventeen, while she might be an old granny by the time he chose to turn her into a vampire.

They all did disco a little, except Bella, who was forced to sit to the side and wear a helmet over her afro. These safety precautions were taken so that she didn't trip and cut open her head or any other body parts.

Finally, Alice said, "Present time!" One present was handed over to Bella--a shoebox. "We would have gotten you more, but, you know, harsh economic times..." Alice trailed off. "Anyway, open it!"

Bella opened the shoebox, and out popped a pigeon. It squawked and bit Bella's hand, which instantly began gushing bloodred blood.

"Noooooo," Jasper called, doing the Matrix. "YOU INSTIGATED A FIGHT WITH MR. SNUFFLES."

He crouched, ready to pounce.


	2. Everyone Poops, Except for Vampires

_**Chapter 2: Everyone Poops, Except for Vampires**_

"Hey. Please. Jasper. Jaspey-poo. Don't hurt me. Please. I didn't mean to hurt Mr. Snuffles," Bella tried to reason with Jasper, stepping backwards, moving towards a wall.

Jasper snarled. "There's no reasoning, Bella. I'm going to cut you up with my teeth."

"JASPER, DON'T!" Edward said, walking up to Jasper. He whispered in Jasper's ear, "She's not worth it. Don't waste your time."

Bella leaned over to Alice, who had appeared by her side. "That's my boyfriend, you know, talking to your boyfriend. Isn't that wild? Have they met before?"

"Bella," Alice said, "you really need to start taking your pills."

"Huh? Why? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine," Bella said. "What's for lunch? I want Italian."

"Bella," Edward said. "I'm afraid this isn't a time to eat. Why don't you have Carlisle bandage your hand before we all eat you?"

"Awwwww, that's so thoughtful, Eddiekins—"

"_DON'T CALL ME THAT!_"

"Okay, Eddiekins," Bella replied, and walked over to Carlisle, who was sitting in the kitchen, entranced in a book called _Everyone Poops_. "Carlisle. You're hot."

"Oh, well, thanks, Bella," Carlisle replied. If he was a human, he would be blushing.

"Can you bandage my hand?" Bella said. "Mr. Snuffles hurted it."

"Sure thing, Bella," he replied. "Just hold on a second—I need to get a few things."

Carlisle ran away, so fast it seemed that he disappeared, and reappeared faster with gauze pads and disinfectant in his hands. "Put your hand up here," he said, indicating to the kitchen counter.

She obliged, and he poured some rubbing alcohol on Bella's hand. "Hehe," Bella said. "That tickles. No, wait! Ow! It stings! Get it off! Get it off!"

Carlisle chuckled. "Don't worry, the feeling will go away in a second."

"Hey, Carlisle, what made you want to be a doctor? You know, vampires usually want to suck blood with a bendy straw. But you like to keep it in people's body."

"Well, after working with blood so long," he said, "I've become immune to the smell."

"Really?" Bella asked.

"Yes," Carlisle replied.

"So you can't smell this?" Bella stuck her hand up to his nose and flung some blood up his nostrils."

Carlisle tensed. "No, not at all," he said, a growl escaping from deep in his throat.

"Oh, okay," Bella said. "Have you ever slipped with a patient in the hospital? she asked. "You know, not been able to resist the _warm, salty, rich, delicious_ taste of blood?"

Carlisle sighed. "Once."

"Really?"

"Yep," he said. "That's why we have Edward here."

"Isn't he hot?" Bella asked. "You're hot, but not as hot as Edward."

"Well, yes, I've always found him kind of attractive," Carlisle said, licking his lips, while appearing to be in a daydream. He started rubbing himself below the waist. "He was just so beautiful as a human. He had such gorgeous hair. Beautiful eyes. He had Spanish influenza. He was so sweaty and feverish . . . so warm . . . so tempting. Blood poured from his nose and ears and splattered onto my face. You know, Spanish flu causes explosive diarrhea. Well, I watched as he pooed himself, ever so gracefully, and I had to bite him. I had to. Right on his luscious lips, that's where I did it. But I had to pull back so that I could keep him with me—forever. He's even more beautiful when he sparkles."

"I want that too! But Eddiekins says I can't be a vampire. He almost seems reluctant to want to be with me forever! I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to stare into my eyes for all eternity," Bella said. "But we need to take things one at a time. You know we haven't even had intercourse yet."

"Really?"

"Yeah. "Oh my god! I have an idea!"

"What?" Carlisle asked. "What is it?"

"We should have a threesome!"

Carlisle was silent, then mumbled under his breath, "Anything to be with Edward." He raised his voice. "That's a great idea."

"So, is my hand done?" Bella said, looking at her wrapped up hand.

"Oh, yes. Good to go."

"Thanks Carlie-warlie," she said, and got up

She looked all over the big room for Edward—even checking under the couch—but no one, except for Carlisle was there. She ran upstairs to check Edward's room. She saw a big bed in the middle of the room—she had plans for things to do on that bed—and lots of CDs on the walls on shelves. No Edward. She checked the whole upstairs but couldn't find him anywhere. She left the house, and found him sitting out on the front stoop.

"Eddiekins!"

Edward growled. "Don't call me that!"

"Sorry, Eddiekins."

"I need to tell you something," Edward said. "Come with me in the car. We're going to drive into the middle of the woods, because that's logically the best and safest place to talk to someone."

"Okay!" Bella said, and they got into the car. As they drove, she hung her head out the window. It bobbed around with the speed of the car. "Weeeeeee, this is _fun!_"

Once they were in the forest, Edward stopped the car. He took her to a nearby tree, and they sat down.

"So, whatcha wanna talk about, Eddiekins? Does it involve intercourse" she asked, trying to make her breasts look larger.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry about what Jasper did," he said.

"What'd he do?" Bella asked. "By the way, I love the present." She pulled Mr. Snuffles out of her pocket. He wriggled out of her hands and flew away. "NO! MR. SNUFFLES! COME BACK! COME BACK!"

"Bella, we're getting off topic," he said. "I just thought that this would be a good excuse for me to leave—I mean, I should leave. It's for your own good. I don't want you hurt."

"You can't leave! You're, like, the hottest guy in school."

"I have to leave, Bella," he said. "Anyway, I'm sure you can find someone. And if not, you can always try prostitution." Edward stood up. "Goodbye, Bella. Off to Canada." He climbed into his car and drove away.

Tears built up in her eyes. She dug a large hole and climbed into it. If she couldn't have Edward, she would bury herself. However, mid-way through the burial, she fell asleep.


	3. Edward's Moose

_Chapter Three: Edward's Moose_

OCTOBER . . .

NOVEMBER . . .

DECEMBER . . .

JANUARY . . .

"Stop tickling me, Eddiekins," Bella said, giggling. She had just woken up, after sleeping in the grave for several months, but her eyes weren't open. She laughed more. "Eddiekins, _stop!_"

She opened her eyes. A large spider was crawling up and down the length of her body. "You're not Eddiekins!" she screamed. "Get off you dumb . . . umm . . . spiii . . . spiiiddd . . . spiiiiddderrrrrr." She sounded out the last word—she wasn't the brightest bulb.

She climbed out of the grave she had partially dug for herself and pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. She dialed her father, Charlie's, cell phone number. Charlie was her father, but she called him Charlie because she used to live with just her mom (her parents were divorced). But her mother, Renee kicked her out of the house when she remarried, for Renee feared that Bella would scare off her new husband. (Bella never actually met the husband, Renee would always keep Bella locked in the basement when he came over, with nothing but a lump of laundry lint—but it's okay, for the simplest things in life amused Bella.)

***

Back in his house, Charlie was sitting on the couch, butt naked. A woman with a chest like two sideways mountains was sitting on the couch next to him. She was tired after her day's work. Charlie slipped her a check, and she gave him one last special "Midnight Train to Georgia"—she found that if she did this right before leaving customers' houses, the customers more often called again. Then she left.

The day had been tiring for Charlie too, but he enjoyed every minute of it. He was about to shower off after the day's events, when his cell phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey, Charleykins!" It was Bella. He muttered a few curse words, not speaking into the phone. He had thought he was rid of her, and he had enjoyed every moment of the last four months. When she hadn't come home that night, he had been so happy. But now here she was, calling him.

"What do you want?" Charlie groaned.

"Can you pick me up and take me home?" she asked.

"Why do you suddenly want to come back? You haven't been here in four months."

"What are you talking about, Charley-Warley-Bobarley? I was just there this morning You're so forgetful sometiii . . . sometiiiiimmmmessss."

Charlie sighed. "Just walk back. I don't want to pick you up."

"Please, Charlie? Pleeeeeaaaaseeeeee?"

"No."

"Let's put it this way," Bella said, "if you don't pick me up, I'll post that video of you and Grandma at her 80th birthday after you two drank too many beers online and send it to the Forks Police Force."

He sighed. That would be the end of his job as a policeman. "Where are you?"

"Somewhere in the middle of the forest."

***

Charlie got out of the car, after driving around, and crouched in front of the large hole in the ground. In it, Bella had her head in her lap, and she was sobbing. Charlie threw a rock at her. "Get up."

She didn't budge. He took his gun out of its holster and pointed it at Bella. "If you don't get up by the count of ten, I'll shoot." This got her moving, and she climbed out of the hole and into the shotgun seat of the car.

As they rode, Bella said, "My story's a tragic one."

"Huh?" Charlie was confused. "What do you mean."

"Love is so confusing." She turned to Charlie. "Never let a pigeon bite come between you and your vampire soul mate—I mean, your human soul mate."

"I know exactly what you mean," Charlie said. "It was an ugly little creature that came between me and my soul mate. Your mother was just so ashamed of you."

Bella didn't really know what he was talking about, so she changed the subject. "Charlie-warlie, are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"I still have my gun."

Bella changed the subject again. "I feel so well-rested!" she exclaimed. "Almost like a hibernating bear. Eddiekins's favorite food is bear—um, I mean chicken!"

Thinking of Edward, Bella began sniffling, which soon escalated to full out wailing. "Jesus, Bella!" Charlie said. "Are you PMS-ing or something?"

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, occasionally punctuated by a soft sob.

As soon as she entered the house, Bella galloped upstairs to her room. First she checked her email—nothing from her mother, just some junk mail about acne cream. She deleted the spam because she would obviously never need acne cream—she was perfect just the way she was. Thinking of perfection reminded her of Edward, so she checked Twitter to see what he was up to. She fully expected to see a tweet about his deep love for her and the excruciating agony he felt from their distance. She eagerly found his latest tweet, and took a deep breath in anticipation...

"Today for lunch I had a moose."

Thinking about moose made Bella think about Canada—which is where Edward said he was going.

Five minutes later, Bella had an epiphany: Edward was in Canada!

"Dinner's ready!" Charlie called up to her. In her haste (she was starving for reasons unbeknownst to her), Bella crashed into the doorframe of her room. She then tumbled down the stairs, possibly spraining her ankle. She gobbled down her meal and, with her mouth still full, began to talk.

"Charlie, guess what? Eddiekins is in Canada!"

"Wonderful," he said, only half-listening.

"I should go after him," Bella pondered aloud. "It would be so romantic!"

"Wonderful," Charlie repeated. After a few moments, he realized just what Bella had said. "Wait. You mean you'll be gone again?" An expression of relief settled onto his face.

"Look, Charlie. I know you'll miss me, but eternal love is more important! The thing is, I need money to fly to Canada. I have some cash saved up, but I wanted to keep it to pay for college. I'm a genius, you know!"

"And I'm sure you'll get in." Charlie was used to lying to her by now. "Look, don't worry about it. I'll pay for your airfare. I'll even buy the tickets now.

***

_Finally, _Charlie thought. _This is my chance to return to the peace I enjoyed for the last four months. _He enthusiastically went to the computer and looked up tickets from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport to Newfoundland. _Anywhere in Canada is fine, _he decided. _But it might as well be as far away as possible. _Charlie was dismayed to see that the cheapest ticket was $599! He wanted to be rid of Bella, but, being a cheapskate, he tried to think of an inexpensive alternative.

After sitting pensively for a couple of minutes, Charlie decided to call the mayor of Forks. He reasoned that he could convince the man to get her to Canada. The phone rang four times, and with each ring Charlie could feel a tiny piece of his soul shrivel and die. He really didn't want to spend the $599. This was the reason he had bought Bella the crappiest, oldest, cheapest car possible, and also the reason that they had to use a PC instead of a Mac. To his relief, the mayor's secretary picked up on the last ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Charlie Swan. I need to talk to the mayor."

"Of course, Mr. Swan. I'll connect you to him right away."

Charlie waited with bated breath – those few seconds felt like an eternity. Not a moment too soon, he heard the mayor's voice.

"Hello, Mr. Swan. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Um, it's about Bella," Charlie began. "She wants to go to Canada. I can't really afford to send her there, and, more importantly, I don't want to sit in the car with her for three and a half hours. I would make her go by herself, but she doesn't know how to read, so she would probably get lost and end up back home. I was hoping you could arrange for her to be flown there."

There were a few moments of hesitation as the mayor contemplated what had been said. "You mean she would really be gone forever?" he inquired.

"That's what I'm hoping."

"Wow, that would be great. It would improve tourism. Her presence has been scaring people away, but we've begun to see an increase in tourists during the last few months."

Charlie was very excited. "So, do you think you can do it?"

"Well, I don't know about Canada, but I'm taking my private airplane to go on vacation in Bermuda tomorrow. I guess I could take her with me and then just leave her there."

"That's a great idea! What time can you pick her up?"

"I'll stop by tomorrow morning at nine."


	4. Spontaneous Combustion

_**CHAPTER 4: Spontaneous Combustion is a Choice When You're With Bella**_

Back in Canada, the Cullens were hanging out after a long game of baseball. Edward sat down at his computer to check his Facebook.

"So," the gorgeous but coldhearted Rosalie asked, "did you block that ugly freak yet?"

"Yeah, I deleted her ages ago," Edward replied.

"I'm still her friend," Alice squeaked, her voice like a squirrel on helium. "She's a real self-esteem booster! If I ever feel ugly or stupid, I just look at her page and then I feel good! It's too bad I never get to see her in person anymore. Oh well," she said, and she went back to playing pick-up sticks with Jasper.

"I miss her, too, Alice," Carlisle said. "We really bonded."

Edward was exasperated. "Look, guys, I don't think you get it. That—that _thing_—wanted to have _sex_ with me!"

"Well!" shouted Carlisle, suddenly hostile and defensive. "Why is that such a crime?"

****

Bella put the last of the purple-and-blue-polka-dotted socks in the duffel bag that was strictly for her purple-and-blue-polka-dotted sock collection. She zipped it up and moved on to the next duffel, the one for her assortment of lacy lingerie items, in case she found Edward and needed a little extra spice to seduce him.

Meanwhile, Charlie was downstairs. The mayor had called; he had a new idea of what to do on the trip with Bella.

"So," the mayor said, "I was thinking I didn't even need to bother landing the plane with her in it. I could just push her off. That would be easy enough."

"Whatever works for you. So, you'll be here soon?"

"Fifteen minutes."

"See ya then."

Charlie hung up the phone. He walked up the stairs. Bella was zipping up a fifth duffle bag. He could see her fighting to close it tight. "You having trouble there?" he asked.

"Yeah, Charliekins, my udder-shaped scarf collection just won't zipper up."

Charlie came over to look at the problem. "Bella, you're pulling the zipper the wrong way."

"Oh. Is this better?" Bella pulled the zipper in the same direction.

Charlie slapped his head and closed the bag for her. That's when he noticed her outfit.

"Bella, what the hell are you wearing?"

"What's wrong with water wings?" she asked. "They're fashionable. Eddiekins thinks they're sexy. And besides, how else will I swim in the helicopter's swimming pool?"

"Bella it's an airplane."

"Duck, helicopter. Same thing."

"No, Bella. It's an _airplane._"

"That's what I said. Duck."

Charlie sighed, and lifted two of the duffels downstairs. He had actually encouraged her to take all her things. It would be nice to have her room cleared so that he could clear out her room to have a place for his collection of sixteenth century French guillotine replicas that he had kept in storage since Bella moved in.

When all the duffels were downstairs, Charlie and Bella sat down for breakfast. "Do your friends know you're leaving?" Bella asked.

"Bella, you're leaving, not me."

"Oh, right."

"Well, do your friends know you're leaving?" Charlie asked. He thought, _The pretend friends would be very happy._

"Yep, I made '_Bella Swan is off to Canada, the land of the South, to reclaim her vampire boyfriend. Whoops, she means human boyfriend_.' my FaceBook status. A couple people commented on how poetic that was. I thought it was, too."

As Bella was eating the last bit of her raw oatmeal and lutefisk, the doorbell rang. Charlie answered it, and it was Mayor Cromley.

"Mayor Cromleykins!" she squealed. "Guess what? You're taking me to Canada!"

"I know," he said. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I'm taking you to Canada!"

"You are?!"

"Yeah!"

"Oh my god that's where Eddiekins is!" Bella ran around in circles. "Oh, look! My suitcases are packed."

"So I guess you're ready to go," the mayor said.

"M'i gniog ot Adanac, Snikeilrahc. Eyb. Eraweb fo dibar slerriuqs," Bella said.

"Sure. Whatever." He threw a spoon at her as a way of affectionately saying bye.

As soon as she was out of the house, he picked up the phone and dialed the Forks Storage Company's number. "Hello," he said into the phone. "This is Charlie Swan. I would like to take my guillotines out of storage."

****

"Weeee! I've never been on a plane before!" Bella squealed, flailing her arm in the air as if she was on a rollercoaster. She had actually been on a plane before—several times—to go back and forth between her parents' homes. "Weeeee!" she continued. "This ride is off the hizzle-foshizzle!"

She peered out of the window. For the first time, she noticed the sky was blue. She was fascinated, staring at the beautiful hue. That was when she saw a small black shape bob along the sky. It drew closer and closer, its shape becoming clearer with its closeness. _Oh my Goddiekins_, she thought. It was—but it couldn't be! No, Bella was sure of it. It was Mr. Snuffles! She banged on the window and waved at the bird, whose beak dropped open at the sight of Bella.

_Damn, _Mr. Snuffles thought.

_He looks happy to see me_, Bella thought. And she was happy to see him. Mr. Snuffles reminded Bella of Edward—they were equally hot.

"I wanna see Eddiekins!" she exclaimed for the quinquadecillionth time. (He was in Canada, you know.) She tried desperately to unfasten her seatbelt to no avail and decided to go with plan B: screaming like a banshee until someone came and undid it for her. The mayor's margarita glass shattered at the highly pitched noise. "Holy shit!" he said. "What can I do to make you shut up?" She demanded that he release her strap and he assented. Bella got up just as the mayor received a new margarita from the flight attendant.

Bella wandered up to the front of the plane and entered the cockpit. "Mister Pilot Sir," she asked with uncharacteristic courtesy, "are we there yet?"

"No, we just took off," he said, immersed in the flicking of switches and the radioing of air traffic controllers.

"How about now? Are we there yet?"

"Nope." He still had not looked up.

"Now?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

He tried to ignore her, and was startled when she screamed in his ear, "ARE WE THERE YET?"

"N-n-no, ma'am."

"If we don't get there in the next ten seconds," Bella shrieked. "I'm going to cry! And it will all be your fault!"

"Now, don't do that."

"Ten," she began to count. "Nine."

"Look, I'm really busy. I can't deal with you right now."

"Seven. Ninety-three. Five."

"Can you please go back to your seat?" he asked, still immersed in his switch flicking.

"Three. Negative twelve. One."

The pilot became frantic. "Don't!" he yelled. But it was too late. Bella had already begun bawling. Hoping to console her and thereby salvage his hearing, he went over to Bella and told her everything would be all right. She removed her hands from her drenched face and the pilot looked upon her hideous face for the first time.

"Oh my god," he said dramatically. Before he could think, _That's the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen_, the unfortunate pilot spontaneously combusted. Within a minute, all that was left of the ill-fated man was a pile of ashes and a rapidly spreading fire. The plane began swerving wildly, making Bella giggle. Bella, quite confused, left the cockpit to find out what was going on, and saw the mayor and the flight attendant running around frenzied.

"We only have two parachutes!" the mayor screamed. Then he stopped, a wicked smile crept across his face. "_We only have two parachutes,_" he said like an axe murderer in a horror film who had just found a young girl and a chainsaw in his bedroom.

He quickly ran to the back of the plane and returned half a minute later with two parachutes and Bella's backpack.

"Bella, we're going to have to jump off the plane," he said. He handed one parachute to the flight attendant and the backpack to Bella. "Did you know that your parachute can transform into a parachute if you wish it to?"

"Awesome!" Bella said. "We'll be landing in the water? 'Cause I can't float." She wasn't as dumb as she appeared. Okay, yes she was, but at least she could comprehend the idea of _floatation_.

"Yep. Water. But you'll probably get carried to shore by a narwhal."

"Awesome," she said. "Eddiekins likes to eat narwhals. I mean moose. I mean Kentucky-fried chicken. Let me just get some more water wings. The ones I'm already wearing surely won't be enough."

She leisurely walked over to one of her duffels as the fire licked through the plane. Slowly, she bent down and rummaged through the bags until she found her water wings. At snail-pace, she pulled the water wings over her arms, legs, neck, feet, toes. She even stuffed one in her bellybutton. After inflating them all, she couldn't walk so well, so she rolled over to the mayor.

"Ahh'm 'eady," she said, meaning to say, _I'm ready_, but unable to speak with a water wing around her tongue.

"Good," the mayor said. He slung the backpack over her shoulders and said. "Now, if you want to turn it into a parachute, just wish for it, okay, Bella?"

She nodded and was led to the door of the plane. As she looked down, she didn't find it odd that the plane wasn't descending, even though the plane was engulfed by flames. Smart people would notice that. Not Bella.

"We're going to jump off after you," the mayor said. "Now, I'm going to count down from ten, okay? And then you'll jump."

Bella made a sign of the cross with her hand before nodding again.

"Ten. Nine. Eight—"

Bella tripped and fell off the plane. The flight attendant pulled out a camera and videotaped Bella's fall. "This is going on YouTube!" she squealed.

The mayor laughed. "Haha. Yes," he said. "Don't you love new scientific advances like fake fire, Donald?"

"Yes," she replied. "Now, where was I in the strip act?"

****

_Become a parachute. Become a parachute_, Bella wished. But she was distracted when she looked up and saw Mr. Snuffles flying above her.

"Mr. Snuffles!" she shouted out to the bird, the water wing having already fallen off her tongue.

The bird pooped in her eye.

"Ooh, candy. Thanks, Mr. Snuffles," she said, as her body pierced the water's surface.

* * *

**_Authors' Note: Sorry it's been a while since the last post. We've been busy. But we hope you enjoy this. Please leave a review!_**


	5. The Tropical Canadian Island

**Chapter 5: The Tropical Canadian Island**

"Mmm, Eddiekins," Bella murmured—she had a habit of keeping her eyes closed for a long time after waking. "I love you too." She felt something sharp pierce her lip. "Ooh, Eddiekins, be careful! If you lose control, you might hurt me. Not that I have a problem with that. Mmm…."

Bella flipped over and was bitten again. She slowly opened her eyes to find a crab flexing its pincers. "You're not Eddiekins," she exclaimed. "Are you in cahoots with the spider?" Bella yawned and water rushed into her mouth. "Yum, saltwater!" Slowly, she became halfway aware of her surroundings. "I'm on a beach! I must be in Canada with Eddiekins. I should go seduce him." She got up and noticed an adorable cottage just a few yards away. She stumbled towards it, tripping while attempting to navigate the perfectly flat terrain.

****

Fifteen minutes later, she arrived at the front door and found it unlocked. Bella flung it open and dramatically entered the house. "EDDIEKINS, I'M HOME," she shouted. Bella looked around, hoping that someone had already brought in her suitcases; after all, she desperately needed her lingerie collection right now. She saw an immaculate kitchen, a dark hallway, and a desk with a computer. Bella excitedly sashayed over to the computer to check her Facebook—perhaps someone else had commented on her status.

Bella clicked on the browser icon, and Google immediately loaded. "Free WiFi?" she cried. "Eddiekins got us a hotel with free WiFi on a tropical Canadian island. He loves me so much." She logged into her Facebook and saw her status: _Bella Swan is off to Canada, the land of the South, to reclaim her vampire boyfriend. Whoops, she means human boyfriend._ Bella smiled at the gratifying comments below it—her dear friend Jessica had written _Wow, Bella. That was really, uh, poetic._ Her other dear friend Lauren had added _Yeah, seriously, it's effing beautiful._ And look, a new comment! Jacob said _Guys, don't be mean. My father pressured me into pretending to like Bella, so I think I should say that you shouldn't be rude to her. She's really, um, sexy._ Bella chuckled at Jacob's jocular tone, for she knew that Jessica and Lauren were being deeply sincere.

But why hadn't Eddiekins commented? Why didn't he have anything to say? Maybe it was because he wanted to surprise her with this house in sultry Canada. But Bella wanted to be sure. She started to type Eddie's name into the search bar: "E-D-D-I-E-K-I-N-S". Nothing popped up—Bella must have spelled something wrong. Then she remembered the quote on her profile, and navigated to her page. "I Love Edward Cullen," it read. Bella copied and pasted his name. He finally popped up, and she clicked on his profile. She sounded out the message below his name…

_Edward only shares some of his Profile information with everyone. If you know Edward, send him a message or add him as a friend._

Now, Bella didn't have the sharpest mind, but, as a creature somewhat resembling a teenager, she immediately understood the significance of those two sentences. She let out a piercing cry the likes of which the world had never heard. Every alien on Jupiter (Bella knew there were many) had to cover his ears.

"!"

****

The next thing she knew, Bella was rocking back and forth in a fetal position on the kitchen floor. The last thing she remembered was checking her Facebook and seeing that Jacob had said that he liked her. Bella was flattered because this meant that she was even more popular than she had previously thought. And Edward had taken her to a tropical island in Canada! In fact, they were playing hide and seek at this very moment.

"98 … negative 37.2 ... i … 100! Ready or not, here I come!" Bella did some ballet (she was very talented) and pirouetted into the stove. "Are you in the oven, Eddiekins? Are you in the drain? How about the mouse hole in the wall? The silverware drawer? The fridge? My stomach?" She patted her stomach tentatively. "Nope, you're not in there. Where could you be, Eddiekins?"

Bella put her nose to the ground. "Maybe I can sniff out your trail," she said, moving in a dog-like manner all over the house. Eventually, she gave up, and decided that Edward must have been out getting date rape drugs because he thought that she might try to escape. She'd have to reassure him that, no, she would never try to run away if he tried to copulate with her. In fact, she'd be honored to do so. It wasn't like she could get pregnant or anything from sex. Edward was a _vampire_. Vampires and humans couldn't have children together. Bella still planned out children's names, though, because they could always adopt a little Chinese girl. She thought Renesmee was the perfect name for her little Asian baby.

She decided to go to the master bedroom. In the middle of the room was a large bed. One of those Victorian ones, with wooden legs, a large headboard, and a curtain extending all the way around. _So,_ Bella thought_, this is where all the magic will happen. _She smiled, thinking, _This is better than Disneyland!_

That was when she heard a moan emanating from behind the curtains. It was loud, like an elephant sneezing, except more melodic. A lot more melodic. Bella wondered what the sound was, so she approached the bed and pushed aside the curtains. Much to her surprise, she found Carlisle on top of Esme with his basilisk in her Chamber of Secrets.

"Bella!" Esme screamed, pulling a blanket over them. "What are you doing _here?!"_

"This is my hotel with Eddiekins on a remote tropical island in Canada! What are _you_ doing here?"

"Tropical island in Canada? Bella, this is _my_ island," Esme said. "Isle Esme."

"Is Eddiekins renting from you?"

"What? No!"

"Oh, are you renting from him?"

Esme rolled her eyes and flashed Bella a vampiric glare (i.e. a regular glare for her). "Bella, can you just get out and let us finish what we were, uh, doing? We'll sort things out later."

Bella ignored her. "Is the bed comfy?" she asked, jumping onto the bed between them. She bounced up and down. "Yep, it's comfy. You know, I have plans to fornicate with Eddiekins on this bed."

"Me too!" Carlisle said. Esme gave him a look. "Uh, I mean, that's great, Bella. But can you leave?"

"Nope," she said. "This bed is comfy." And with that, Bella nuzzled her head into Esme's breasts and fell asleep.


End file.
